As many people would know, medical school is not easy. Students are not only under the pressure of learning an insane amount of information in a short amount of time but also managing to not let the studying swallow them whole.
Well, sometimes the studying does overrun us and swallow us whole.
I’m not saying this happens all the time, maybe a bit more frequently for others than for some. But this was a time that was really bad for me. And it was during our physiology block when we were learning about cardiology. It’s not too surprising if I were to say that this was one of those topics that I wasn’t too fond of, right?
It was one of those subjects that took a really long time for me to study in order to get it. Considering how stressed I was studying for this particular exam, I really just wasn’t getting it. Maybe I was getting a bit, but I definitely didn’t feel as comfortable going into the exam. And I was for sure far from “mastery.”
So, subconsciously, I started developing a small sense of anxiety while I was learning cardiology. The feeling that I probably won’t understand all of this before the exam. And then when the exam came, that small anxiety became a looming sense of doom.
And to make it worse, our exams are typically at 8:00 AM on Mondays. And I’m telling you, I am 100%, not an early morning person. So, imagine sleeping in until 10 AM on the weekends to suddenly waking up at 6 AM on the morning of the exam. It was a nausea party that morning.
It was hard to breathe.
On the morning of my exam, I kept taking deep breaths as I sat in front of my table as if I was trying to overcome the anxiety. While going through my lectures one last time, I tried to ignore my heart palpitations. It was even difficult swallowing my morning coffee too.
It was hard to swallow.
When it was 6:45 AM, I tried to eat a granola bar. It was impossible to swallow. My mouth was too dry. And I knew I had to stop after one bite or else I might hurl. I tried to go back to sipping my coffee again, continuing to look over my notes even though I knew nothing was going in my head.
It was 7:25 AM and I knew it was time to go. Taking the deepest breath I could manage, I packed up and headed to school. The cool morning air helped me feel a bit better.
When I got to school at about 7:50 AM, the old feeling of panic-driven anxiety returned. It got difficult to breathe again and my heart was pumping so hard that I could hardly drink any water. Walking to the exam was a blur – all I was focusing on was just trying to make it to my seat without throwing up. I passed by a nearby bathroom along the way and considered going in and taking a couple of minutes to calm down but I didn’t. The exam was about to begin.
As I walked past the aisles to my seat, I could hear my friends saying hi to me. I couldn’t even turn my head to respond. I could only do one thing at that time and that was to find my seat and take the exam. And trying not to barf in front of everybody.
I finally found my seat near the back of the room and calmed down a bit. A classmate that I wasn’t too close to tried to start some small talk with me and I barely managed a weak smile. I could tell my face was as white as the sheet of scratch paper we were given.
As the announcements were given to start the exam, the panic came back. I clenched my fists so tightly that my knuckles became white. I had debated running out of the room to the bathroom so I could throw up. But I knew if I left my seat after the exam started, I would lose a 2% deduction of my exam score. So, I fought the urge by taking deep breaths – praying that this feeling would go away.
I tried not to look at the clock. I knew the time was ticking and I had to start my exam. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing – trying to calm myself down.
It took 30 minutes to recover.
It was not until a full 30 minutes later that I felt the anxiety leave my body. My breathing became smoother and my heart rate became normal. It was light the fog was lifted from my head.
I could feel my body slightly fatigued from how tense I was earlier. Other than that, I was feeling pretty normal. No nausea either. I tried not to be too happy because I had an entire exam to finish. And I had barely answered any questions during these 30 minutes.
Luckily, the anxiety didn’t come back for the rest of the exam and I had just enough time to finish the exam. I was so relieved. This ended up being one of the better exams I performed the entire year too.
I felt so silly.
So, I’ve learned a lot about myself during this experience. If I could tell my past self anything, it would be to stop being silly and believing that cardiology was “so difficult.”
If you put in the time to learn the material, you will be fine.
– Rachel, Americano Please
Of course, being nervous about an exam is perfectly normal – but no exam is impossible. And now, since I’ve taken many more exams since my last panic attack, I knew that there was no need to freak out. Even if I didn’t feel ready or felt like I have “mastered” the material, I put enough hours in to do decently well. And even if I don’t get the grade I had hoped to achieve, that’s okay. It’s just an exam.